Lauren Mallard

I have not recieved a single order since I've been strande -- brought, ever so thoughtfully, to this...quaint, boring place.

[Lauren's voice sounds very, very strained.]

Who am I to question the decisions of our all-knowing Smiling God? I'm fine! I'm delighted! There is nothing wrong! There is never anything wrong!


But what on earth do any of you do here? What is the goal? To whom are we employed to, to what greater purpose? There has to be SOMETHING!

Surely, surely I wouldn't be sent here to do...nothing! That's just out of the question. That would be entirely unproductive! And absolutely NOT what is to be expected of a vice president! I must set an EXAMPLE.

I have been here for months. I have been told nothing. I am fine.

This is part of a plan. Yes. Patience! Patience is a virtue! Obedience is a virtue. We all must remember this! Everything is, and always has and will be, perfectly fine.

[She sounds more like she's trying to convince herself of this than anything this.]



...on another note, I have listened to the local radio station, and I am simply appalled by the lack of proper radio etiquette! Lackluster a place this may be, yes, but everyone, great and small, should be entitled to quality radio programming! As program director and co-host for Great Desert Bluffs Metropolitan Area Community Radio, this isn't something I can simply overlook! No, sir.

To whom should I be issuing a complaint? The local authorities have been...remarkable unhelpful!

Good morning!

[That is an awfully chipper voice to hear on the 'Gear this fine day. She goes on,] I will admit, when I first arrived here the other day following a -- rather unfortunate incident at home, I was rather skeptical about this quaint little place. I said to myself, oh, where are all the buildings? Where is my office? Where is all the blood? Where are all the -- [Her voice chokes up a bit.] -- where are the Pony Petting Stations™ ? So strange! So different. But strange and different isn't always bad! No, no, we at StrexCorp have learned to embrace change. We love it! We love it so much. So much, in fact, that now, whenever I see something new and different, I just want to take it.

[A pause.]

Yes! This will certainly make a wonderful new asset to StrexCorp's ever expanding corporate territory. Although I have yet to find anyone who can tell me where I could possibly purchase the lease! But there's no need to fear, all you little people out there -- all you listeners!  Rest assured that I will be successful soon.

Goodbye for now!